Uncovering My ADHD & Anxiety Healing Journey

Desiree LeVeira-Ferguson, B.S., MSW

When I am asked what my childhood was like, it is easy for me to report how amazing it was despite some hurdles. My parents and two older sisters were supportive, loving, and fun. However, in elementary school, I began to learn that I was a problem.

Parent-teacher conferences from Kindergarten to 5th grade highlighted my struggles maintaining attention,

following directions, and remaining in my seat. Some of my teachers even had a special behavior contract for me. It was common for my mom to receive phone calls from my teacher regarding my impulsive or talkative behavior. At home, when I was on "restriction" and sent to my room as a consequence, I enjoyed my alone time, free to listen to music and rearrange my room.

I am the youngest child of three girls. My middle sister describes me as a "tornado," and close family, friends, or others as "the happy one" and "sunshine." Here I am seen on soccer picture day in 1999 in partial uniform because I could not find my matching shorts:

By the end of middle school, I was beginning to understand my strengths and challenges. I also learned to contain my energy; which had its pros and cons. I was able to use my energy to excel in multiple sports and school work. However, containing my energy to fit social norms was rooted in my fear of being outside those norms. By my sophomore year of high school, I was having panic attacks. Social media was not around yet, and no one told me what a panic attack was, so I had no idea what was happening to me. By junior year, my panic attacks became severe enough that I refused going to school until I received some sort of help. Since I was 18 years old, every year I learned more and more about my paternal and maternal family's mental and behavioral health history. Looking back on my first experience in therapy, I realize now how I used to lie to my therapist that I was ok. When deep down, darkness was building (a huge part of my family history). I also know now that alexithymia and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder [ADHD] are a huge part of my journey. According to Hogeveen & Grafman (2021), alexithymia occurs when an individual lacks an understanding or awareness of their emotions, making it difficult to verbalize their feelings. Fast forward to living in the freshman dorms in college, I found alcohol and instantly found relief I never found in antidepressants for my anxiety. Alcohol brought my "sunshine" and ease to the surface but only complicated things after a decade of misuse and continual rock bottoms until I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired at the end of 2019.

I hope that in reading about my journey, one may see how important it is to seek opinions from experts when in doubt. My undiagnosed ADHD led to perfectionism, anxiety, and alcohol-use disorder. Therefore, it is especially important for mental health professionals and the general population to understand that ADHD does not always present the same in every person and the history of ADHD being underdiagnosed in women (Crawford, 2003).

References:

Crawford, N. (2003, February). ADHD: A Women's Issue. American Psychological Association, 34(2). Retrieved February 25, 2023, from https://www.apa.org/monitor/feb03/adhd

Hogeveen, J. & Grafman, J. (2021, September 22). Alexithymia. Handbook of Clinical Neurology, 183, 47--62. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-822290-4.00004-9